I’m tired of feeling like life has to be heavy. Lately things have been boring, and that’s okay. I have stagnated in a way, but I don’t stop moving. All the planets in the solar system have stalled, but the moon is still orbiting the earth. That’s how I feel. But it’s not a bad feeling.
I’m house/dog sitting for a family I used to babysit for. They’re on a two week trip, and I’ve been living in their house. It’s been a really nice semi-vacation. I went back to my house to see my family last Sunday and immediately couldn’t wait to leave again. It seems like all my mom is interested in is what I can do for her. All my brother is interested in are what valuables I own. My dad isn’t around enough to have any special interest. After dinner, my brother made some ignorant, borderline racist remarks and I was out of there. As a habit, I try to focus on the good in everyone. When I was working at old Navy and having problems with the management, I employed a goal to find admirable qualities in those I would otherwise find distasteful. It worked for a little while, but eventually I got fed up with being treated as disposable. Anyway, I’ve been having to really force this mantra at home lately. Sometimes it seems impossible to find redeeming qualities in certain members of my family. But I hold firm that I will never burn a bridge or separate myself permanently from them. I’ve seen what damage that can do to a family on both my mom and dad’s side, and none of us need more of that.
But my time away has been great. I work a lot– 35-40 hours a week, and coming home to an empty house is such a reward. I love being able to invite Jon and my sister over whenever I feel like it. As menial as Target is, I like that my schedule isn’t the standard 8-5 M-F. I still get two days off, and I usually get to sleep in. The pay isn’t that great, but I just got promoted a few days ago. I think it comes with a pay raise, but I’m not sure. I have to wait until I’ve been employed 60 days to actually start the new position anyway.
As I write this, I’m sitting alone in a Starbucks. It feels really good. I haven’t done this since college with a laptop glued in front of me. Some days, I really miss school. But most days, I’m glad I can work full time without any other obligations.
Jon’s sister just had a baby girl. She’s so cute and little. It happened without a hitch, and I’m glad to be in their lives. The next day, this guy I went to high school with died of cancer. I didn’t know him, but the news brought in dark clouds on the sunny occasion. He was my age and had already fought it for so long. That could have easily been me. I’m trying to take both things– the positive and the negative– and combine them into one lesson. I’m so happy/lucky to be here and to be me, and it only reinforces my prerogative to be happier and find the good in everyone.