Gender Roles, Insecurities, and Farting: Why I am Being so Sensitive

I have been whiny lately. Not to others, but in my own head. And it’s annoying because it makes me feel like a girl. But should that really bother me? So what if my female sensitivities are sometimes more apparent? Aren’t I allowed? Sometimes I want to be treated like I’m more delicate than I really am. Sometimes I want to feel like I deserve more. I’m not always like this. In fact, on most days, I’m the opposite. For the most part, I feel like I don’t belong to a gender. Other than my body, voice, and certain interests I have, I could be a dude. Of course my insecurities differ, which most likely is the cause of all these feelings I’m having. I’m not pretty enough, I’ve gained weight, I’m boring, etc. Maybe these thoughts are making me feel something that’s not really there. Maybe these thoughts are why I feel like I’m not being treated the same as I was before. As much as I know I can hold my own in any situation, I like when doors are held open for me. I like getting compliments. I like feeling that I’m the only woman that exists in my boyfriend’s eyes. Sometimes I want to be a stupid girl. Sometimes I want to be the one who’s crying and not the one who’s comforting. But once these thoughts surface, I feel so incredibly stupid. They’re selfish notions that stem from extreme insecurity, and I know the problem rests with me and no one else. And yet, a tiny voice still shouts, “You’re allowed to feel this way! You’re allowed to be sensitive! You’re allowed to get your feelings hurt and you’re allowed to be insecure!” I mean, I could be a lot worse. I could not care about the state of the world, not have any opinions, and not try in school! I’m not high maintenance. On any given day, I’d rather be in sweats and burn my bras and fart myself into oblivion. Can’t I be comaplainy for a tiny bit? Please? Everyone else is.

tilda

This statue has always reminded me of Tilda Swinton, and Tilda Swinton has always reminded me of a man. You do the math.

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This entry was published on January 28, 2014 at 12:36 AM. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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