Sometimes I just want to scream. Would life be easier if I had God in it? Would life be easier if I had never known certain people? Would life be easier if I cared a little more? Or didn’t care at all?
It’s getting hard to force a smile at work. How can 90% of the people that cross my path in any given day be both ignorant AND mean? Is it a me problem? I’m beginning to think so. I wish I were kinder and I wish I didn’t leave work every day thinking “I hate my job.” A kind woman I see at work a lot told me she doesn’t know how I look so happy all the time, or how I’m so polite and deal with people and still wear a smile. It was nice to hear, but it came as a surprise. I don’t feel happy at work. I don’t feel polite. We’re taught that people can treat us like garbage and that it’s our job to smile at them. And to apologize about things that aren’t our fault. I don’t set the prices in the store at which I work. I don’t design the signs or decide what’s excluded in the sales. Sorry. They’re just clothes. Am I not a human when I wear a nametag?
I wish I could live in silence for a century or so. I could let things and people pass and not care an ounce. There are things I don’t want to think about anymore, and it would be heaven to just shut them out for good.
I was thinking last night about a friend of Jon’s. The love of his life died a couple of years ago, and I tried to put myself in his shoes. I thought about what it would be like to suddenly see her again. I’d fall to my knees and cry and scream. The only thing I could possibly equate his pain to is the death of my Uncle Stan. He’s been gone for years now, but I always think about him. I wish I could be with him again. I’d take just one day. Even one minute would do. My heart will never ever be the same. He is one of the reasons why I am so adamant about gay rights. He was gay, and the absolute best person I ever knew. His soul was beautiful and gentle and kind and I don’t understand how people can harbor hate for anyone just because they’re gay. I hate the standard Christian argument that the Bible says it’s wrong. I don’t care what the Bible says. At the root of the matter, would God approve of hatred? Inequality? There’s a man in my city that is the pastor of a church with a huge following. Every Sunday he teaches them to condemn gays, and it makes me wonder why people don’t open their eyes. Who, in their very deepest hearts, could ever justify that kind of treatment to any other human? Race, gender, sexual orientation, religion aside. This is why I wish I could shut my eyes for a century and just wait it out– wait for humanity to get over itself and learn to really love.
Sometimes I just want to scream.
This video always gives me hope.