Being A Person

I skipped English to study for my Law and the Media exam. In actuality, I’m sitting in the library on a rented laptop sipping coffee and sneaking bites of a giant muffin. This is the life. Is it bad that I don’t super care about this exam? Probably, considering I have a D+ right now. I’m still pretty sure that grade isn’t supposed to exist. Can’t I at least get a C- ?

I’m finding it really difficult to give a crap about anything. I don’t care about keeping a tidy room, I don’t care about what clothes I wear, I don’t care what my hair looks like, I don’t care about what I eat, I don’t care about school. I guess some part of me HAS to care, because I just did my Yoga final on a sprained ankle. Whatever.

I found a little bit of new music. I’m suddenly curious about current indie/alternative female artists. For a few years now, I’ve been disappointed by the female scene because all their voices sound the damn same. I found a few girls that are slowly changing my mind. I wish I had the time and brain to make more music. I wrote and recorded a couple of songs like two years ago and stopped. It takes forever and they were shit anyway. It’s fun, though. I wish I had the talent for it.

Me and everyone I love are struggling right now. I’m really concerned about money and my family. And I know I should be concerned about school, but I’m not, which concerns me more. Everything feels really hard. That’s okay, I guess. I’ve long since realized that things come in waves. Luck and good omens are always tempered with bouts of stress and misfortune. It’s up to me to not let those things take over, though. I think I’m susceptible to that, and I need to fight to keep up. I can’t let the overwhelming feeling of apathy toward school wash me away completely.

How do people just hunker down and study for hours? That’s impossible. I look over my stuff once and decide that’s enough. I’m either not capable of focusing or I’m prepared for the exam. There’s no in-between.

Around two weeks ago, this guy I know from school made an attempt to get my attention. He slipped me a piece of paper with his name and number on it. I told him I was unavailable, and that was that. But I just saw him pass by and now I’m wondering how anyone sees anything in me– not even necessarily romantically. Two out of three days I’m at school, I’m in yoga tights, a t-shirt, and a sports bra. I’m never aware of what’s happening around me, because I’m holed up in my own head. I expect to be ignored. Yet people are nice to me and ask me questions and want to know how my day is going. Am I really a person? I don’t think I’ve ever felt like one.

Anyway, here are some of the indie girls I’m getting into.


This entry was published on October 7, 2013 at 4:08 PM. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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