Pseudo-Apology

R left without any notice. He didn’t owe me any, but it bothered me. And I realize I’ve done the same to others without a second thought. RG, ER, VR, TV, probably more. But I did it, perhaps in the worst way, to you, C. I looked you up tonight for the first time in forever. You look happy. You look like you don’t think about me anymore, or the way I left things. It makes me really happy and really sad. I’m sorry. It was the right thing to do, but I acted like a child. I’m sorry. I don’t want J to know about any of it. So much has eroded away– that was my goal. But things weren’t all bad, I was just foolish. And the way I came back and disappeared again was despicable. I’m sorry. I feel like I owe that to you. After these couple of years, my anger and emotions have settled. I don’t regret my choice. Ever. But I regret that I called you again to talk about things. I regret that I got scared and hurt you even more. But the truth is, it was always a farce. C, I think that you can see that now if you look deep into yourself. We were still children. If I didn’t know what love was, you didn’t either. Nothing I said to you on June 21st, 2011 was a lie. And I want you to know how much strength it took me to be honest with you. R taught me how to do that, indirectly. Which maybe is why his disappearance hurt me so. I should have been as honest with him as I was with you.
I guess none of this matters now because I have J. I wonder if you’d be happy that I’m happy. Maybe. You were never a bad person, and I don’t think you would wish me to be unhappy. But you did say some awful things. I was honest with you, you hurled insults. You made me feel ashamed about things I didn’t want to do in the first place. In some ways, I feel that you corrupted me. But it helped me grow up. So thanks, I guess. But I wish the lewd things you said about me weren’t permanently published for all of the internet to see. I don’t believe I deserved that. I’m still not sorry I hacked into your facebook to read your messages. If I hadn’t don’t that, I would have never known the nasty things you were saying to other girls. I would have never known you were just as bored as me. My conscience would be much heavier if I never found out you were trying to cheat on me. Whatever. That was more than two years ago. I’m really happy with the way things worked out in my life. I have J now, and that’s the best I could ask for. I hope you’re doing as well as you look in your photos. See you in another life, maybe. But probably not.

Written Circa April 2011.

Written Circa April 2011.

 

 

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This entry was published on August 22, 2013 at 1:18 AM. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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