R left without any notice. He didn’t owe me any, but it bothered me. And I realize I’ve done the same to others without a second thought. RG, ER, VR, TV, probably more. But I did it, perhaps in the worst way, to you, C. I looked you up tonight for the first time in forever. You look happy. You look like you don’t think about me anymore, or the way I left things. It makes me really happy and really sad. I’m sorry. It was the right thing to do, but I acted like a child. I’m sorry. I don’t want J to know about any of it. So much has eroded away– that was my goal. But things weren’t all bad, I was just foolish. And the way I came back and disappeared again was despicable. I’m sorry. I feel like I owe that to you. After these couple of years, my anger and emotions have settled. I don’t regret my choice. Ever. But I regret that I called you again to talk about things. I regret that I got scared and hurt you even more. But the truth is, it was always a farce. C, I think that you can see that now if you look deep into yourself. We were still children. If I didn’t know what love was, you didn’t either. Nothing I said to you on June 21st, 2011 was a lie. And I want you to know how much strength it took me to be honest with you. R taught me how to do that, indirectly. Which maybe is why his disappearance hurt me so. I should have been as honest with him as I was with you.
I guess none of this matters now because I have J. I wonder if you’d be happy that I’m happy. Maybe. You were never a bad person, and I don’t think you would wish me to be unhappy. But you did say some awful things. I was honest with you, you hurled insults. You made me feel ashamed about things I didn’t want to do in the first place. In some ways, I feel that you corrupted me. But it helped me grow up. So thanks, I guess. But I wish the lewd things you said about me weren’t permanently published for all of the internet to see. I don’t believe I deserved that. I’m still not sorry I hacked into your facebook to read your messages. If I hadn’t don’t that, I would have never known the nasty things you were saying to other girls. I would have never known you were just as bored as me. My conscience would be much heavier if I never found out you were trying to cheat on me. Whatever. That was more than two years ago. I’m really happy with the way things worked out in my life. I have J now, and that’s the best I could ask for. I hope you’re doing as well as you look in your photos. See you in another life, maybe. But probably not.

Written Circa April 2011.

Written Circa April 2011.



This entry was published on August 22, 2013 at 1:18 AM. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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