Vampire Weekend’s new album came out, and I love it. I was skeptical at first because it wasn’t as silly, wasn’t as young as I expected. But I don’t mind the more heartfelt and sometimes dark moments.
I’m not sure why this popped into my head, but it did, and now there’s no stopping the flow of thoughts. It’s been, unbelievably, nearly two years. One day there was a person in my life I trusted, respected, admired, and considered a friend. The next, there wasn’t. There were other facets to my feelings for you, but those don’t even matter. I still kick myself for not being honest, I still kick myself for caring too much, I still wish we were friends. Yet not a peep out of you. I’ve long stopped pretending that you care. I’ve long stopped hoping that you found this blog– which by the way, I secretly started so that you might stumble on it. There you go.
Mostly I just wanted to be friends with you. I was your friend willingly, but you could never ever find it in yourself to be mine. Probably because I couldn’t hide the feelings I so regret now. I’ve lost other friends since– all of which I knew longer, none of which I miss as much. I doubt we will ever speak again. I have absolutely no means of contact for you. As far as I know, you’re still living miles away.
I broke up with C because your favorite music inspired me, and you inspired me. I still don’t know if was my buried feelings for you that drove me to do it, or if it was my admiration of your quest for honesty. Either way, I did it. And I drove to your house. And there you were in the front yard. And there was the moving van. And there were all your boxes of things. And there was that fake phone call. And there was that message I sent that was a lie. And there was your response two weeks later. And you were already gone. And there was no explanation. And then you understood. And then you deleted me electronically and metaphorically. And then I wondered and wondered. And then it took a year. And then like magic I was over it. And yet there is still a scar that will never heal. And you don’t care. And that’s what always made you a shitty friend. And I hope you’re not still the mess you were before.