I remember when I first discovered this song a year ago. A year. I remember sprinting as fast as I could while it blasted through my headphones. I wanted to leave the dark spots of my past behind me. Right now, it’s providing me as much emotional release as it did when I actually had problems.
A nasty part of me realizes that I like drama. I love the chase, the fear of rejection, the speculation and fantasy. Another part of me knows I love to be comfortable. How long have I dreamed to be in a successful, safe relationship in which I can just be me? I love what I have right now. But sometimes I fear I’ve become too comfortable. Sweatpants, messy hair, no makeup, burping with reckless abandon– fun, but have I given in too quickly? Have I become boring and predictable and gross? When will I become a nuisance? When will my presence no longer be enough to hold his interest? I think I’m thinking these things because, this particular night, he wants alone time. We’re not physically together, but he doesn’t want to text or talk on the phone. Which is perfectly fine. I need my “me time” too. But I know this is an emotional alone time, and it kind of makes me sad that he doesn’t care to share, or doesn’t believe (at least passively) that I could help. I think perhaps I’m too needy. Maybe I’m feeling insecure. But I wish I could be someone he wanted to talk to about emotional problems outside of our relationship. We have plenty of “us” discussions. I guess I’m not one to run to him with my problems, either. I could never talk to him in-depth about Chris, and most especially not Roland. I could never discuss deaths either. I can barely keep my shit together mentioning the names of my uncles or grandma or grandfathers. Even knowing this, I still want to know what has him brooding.
If I could have any super power, I’d chose mind-reading in a heartbeat.