A Bad Dream

I dreamed he came back. He came back, and I forgave him for everything.

He was walking on the street in front of my neighborhood, like he used to do. I was walking, too. When I saw him, I ran. He was fast, and clearly able to keep up with me. He said something too casual for the situation. While running, I yelled,
“Is that all you have to say? You couldn’t have called me? Or left me a ‘How are you?’ or an ‘I’m sorry’ or a simple ‘happy birthday’?”
I suddenly stopped running.
“Do you even know when my birthday is?”
He scratched his head.
“April…14th. 20th.”
I began to cry.
“I know your birthday. Your birthday is August 26th. Exactly half a year away from mine.”

I wish at this point in the dream, I had woken up. But instead he asked,
“Heard any good music?”
And I laughed. We walked and talked.

I woke up feeling unsettled. Even in a dream, it’s unfathomable that I could ever forgive him. Actually no. I’ve already forgiven him. His choice still displeases me, but I’m past being hurt by it. The only reason I can forgive him is that I’ve found someone actually worth my time. I’ve found someone who makes me happy. I’ve forgiven him, but unlike my dream, we could never be friends again. That was ruined when he decided my friendship was worth absolutely nothing.
He hasn’t made an appearance in probably half a year– an appearance in my dreams, that is. He hasn’t made an appearance in my life in about a year and a half. For this, I am glad now. I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to hear from him. I don’t want the apology I know he’ll never even think send. I don’t hate him anymore. I’ve been indifferent for quite some time now. The time I wasted on him was just silliness. Perhaps the time I spent trying to be his friend wasn’t wasted. But the time I spent having unreturned feelings for him most certainly was.
It’s all in the past now, and I’m trying to take this dream as a mental reminder of how far I’ve come, and of how good I have it. Despite all of the nonsense, I’m lucky. I’m lucky to have my experiences because they led me to my breakup with someone else. More importantly, they led me to Dan*. And I couldn’t be more thrilled about that.

 

* names have been changed

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This entry was published on February 7, 2013 at 8:23 AM. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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