Can I Have It All Now?

“Suddenly my feet are feet of mud
And it all goes slow mo.
I don’t know why I’m crying–
Am I suspended in gaffa?
Not ’till I’m ready for you,
Not ’till I’m ready for you.
Can I have it all?”

I am, and always have been, expendable to my friends. I’ve lost everyone I used to spend my life with because I got tired of being a placeholder. To this day, I remain the backup plan. I’m here until someone finds something better to do. I can remember feeling this way 5 years ago. And I don’t want to feel 14 again.

On Monday my time becomes even fuller than it is now. I’m scared. Not of the work, but of how it will make me feel. I remember once being so utterly overwhelmed that the thought of waking up would make me cry. If I fall back into that silly crap, then I haven’t come as far as I thought.
It’s a matter of testing myself again. Distress will be met with an ever-adaptable body, mind, and spirit. But I suddenly feel reluctant, tired, and full of dread.
As much as I tell myself it’ll be okay, I won’t really know until I’m in the thick of it and doing fine.

Things that will get me through the first few weeks:
-Coffee in the morning
-TV at night
-New music
-The knowledge that I’ve lost weight and am losing more

I think I’m usually pretty good at keeping an even head. But right now I’m on the cusp of huge changes and I haven’t fully realized it yet. I think if I had a proper grasp on it, I’d be fine. But I’ve waited until the last second to think about things, and now my emotional/mental equillibrium is going haywire. And external stress from family, friends, and love interests isn’t really helping anything.
Whatever. I’ll find a way to figure things out like I always somehow do. Maybe this year will end up topping the last. Here’s to hoping.

This entry was published on August 19, 2012 at 1:20 AM and is filed under Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

One thought on “Can I Have It All Now?

  1. You can’t stop change, but you can let it run you over like a freight train. Breathe…breathe some more. It will be exactly the way it is suppose to be. Better than the last? Does it matter? One thing is for certain. It will be different. Embrace it. Enjoy the moment. You’ll be just fine.

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