All I want to do is buy clothes. THAT’S ALL I WANT TO DO. Probably because I get a discount at Old Navy, Gap, and Banana Republic for working at one of the Gap Inc. stores. Everything just seems like such a great deal. It was 103 degrees outside today, yet I bought a long-sleeved top and a sweater. At least I won’t have to buy anything come fall/winter? (Yeah right.)
I also can’t stop listening to “Kiss From A Rose” by Seal. Coincidence? Yes. Probably. I don’t see how there could be a connection between my current lust for clothes and my current lust for overlapping vocal cadences.
I’ve been running 2 miles every other day for a month and I’ve cut out all fast food. As a result I’ve lost 7 lbs and it’s awesome. Except my jeans are starting to be too loose– which I really shouldn’t be complaining about.
School starts in 8 days. Man. MAN. Ahhhh. I’m really really going to miss having free time. But it’s okay. I’m excited to have my radio show again, keep working, be a writer for the school blog, and take all my classes (including environmental science, painting, and writing for the media– yay!). My sister and I are trying to finagle a situation where we get to have an apartment together. That would just make my entire life. I can afford it, but it would leave my parents with my full tuition payments (minus scholarships of course). I think they’re starting to realize that I need to get out of here. This coming February, I will be 20 years old. And still living at home. Yikes. I’m just going to have to work and save like crazy.
There are a few exciting new developments occurring in my personal life. New friendships, social ease, etc. It feels good.
I’m also working on 2 new cover songs. I’ve been stringing them out needlessly, but I plan on finishing them (or at least one of them) this Thursday, when I finally get a day off work and some alone time at the house (there’s nothing worse than someone barging in during a recording).
My hands are really cold and it’s really late, but I feel like being up and doing a million things. I feel like thinking about every person I’ve ever liked and how none of them really matter anymore (even the ones I really honestly cared about). I feel like telling everyone I know that sometimes things don’t work out, but it’s okay. Not much in life does work out. But the things that do are the ones that should stick. I feel like telling everyone I love to get to know themselves alone for a while– for as long as it takes until you can understand and accept who you are. Then things will start to fall into place. I wish it were that simple. I wish I could tell people what works for me and have it magically fix them. But I figured it out: solving problems the hard way (the lonely and distraught way) is what works. And you can’t really teach that to anyone. They’ll eventually get it on their own time. And they won’t even realize it until it’s over.
It gets me to wondering if the emotional turmoil is really over for me, or if this is just one of many high points I’ll experience in my life. Is it all up from here? I really really really hope so. But I feel mentally healthy enough to know that I can handle whatever comes my way (I wouldn’t have been able to say that a year ago).
Incidentally, I just found my old diary, whose last entry is from August 9th, 2011 (just over a year ago). This is what it says:
“I ran into Mr. Johnson*, my horrible ex-English teacher, at Starbucks the other morning. Charlotte* was with me, and she told him that I got a 5 on my AP exam. He looked at me and said, ‘I know. There was no doubt in my mind.’ I just made my best ‘You and I both know that’s bullsh!t’ face at him. Whatever. I’m super proud of my score. I knew I did well on it, but the 5 was a very happy surprise. I’ve never gotten a 5 before on an AP exam.
School starts on the 22nd (I’m too scared to count the days left). I’m not really excited at all. I’m going to be living at home, and I hate that. I have to get two jobs– even though half my school is paid for AND I won’t be living out of the house. So I don’t really get why I have to work two jobs. My sister got to go to school out of the city with far fewer scholarships, and I don’t understand why I don’t get the same privilege. I’m already sacrificing where I go to college because it was the cheapest, and yet I still can’t get what I want.
And I feel ridiculous for even complaining. I get to go to college don’t I? I have a job and a place to live, don’t I? I feel at war with myself a lot these days. I’m so unsatisfied with what I have and upset with the things I have to do, but yet I have so much more than some others. I wish I could keep myself grounded that way. Just be thankful and forget why I’m unhappy. Or rather, just be happy with what I have one the table, and be sure there’s happiness somewhere in the cards. I really want to be a good person.”
*Names have been changed
Wow. What a difference. I was making life so hard for myself. I remember being very against going to school at Incarnate Word. But I love it now. And I can’t really see myself anywhere else doing anything else surrounded by anyone else. Of course living at home is still something I’m trying to change, but I definitely don’t throw a fit about it anymore. I transitioned into working two jobs just fine. I feel happy that I was able to help my parents pay tuition. And I realize now that things are more expensive for me than they were for my sister because I decided to take fewer loans, which will be better in the long run. When I read back on my words a year ago, I remember myself clearly. I hit the nail on the head (surprisingly) when I said I felt at war with myself. It sounds like I was being tugged at two ends– one the mindset of a happy person, the other the mindset of an immature teenager. I was troubled with trying to make the right decisions, be the right person, and feel the right things when I wasn’t mentally or spiritually ready for it. But starting this new chapter, meeting new people, opening my mind and mouth, and working hard really cleared my brain. It’s funny and ironic that the place I was so against going to is the place that finally put me on the right track. I feel so happy with how far I’ve come. I see success, fun, and happiness in my future– which, with a free mind, I know is all mine to shape.