Some days I think it might be better to just forgive it all. Forget the disaster, the pain. Some days I feel like I took the easy way out. I wonder if I did things the right way after all. What harm would there be in renewed communication? Am I avoiding the proper way simply because it’s easier for me to deal with my personal embarrassment? I don’t want to think about how stupid I was anymore. But would the strong person I thought I was turning out to be approve? Or would she make amends? What’s strength? Distance– knowing better than to revisit? Or gaining closure by communication?
I myself am happy never going back. But I know I left someone out there unhappy and confused. I don’t think he ever got it. And I don’t have enough will to go back and explain things. I tried, and accidentally raised feelings that I wanted dead. I had to leave again. My honest to goodness want is to leave things the way they are now– dusty, on the verge of being forgotten. And instead of patching things up, I’d rather he just be like me and forget– realize I wasn’t good, he didn’t love me, he’s happier now.
I want to be on the right and honest path in all things, and in saying that, I factor in that I don’t need/want/deserve anymore strife from that old part of my life. I’ve let go, I’ve forgiven, I’ve forgotten. But the fact that he hasn’t is what holds me back. I value kindness above everything else, and I strive to be kind to everyone I meet. But I can’t decide which is the greater kindness– leaving him to heal in his own way, or extending an olive branch.
I toy with these thoughts in my head, but I don’t know what it would take to actually change my mind. Nobody I currently know would convince me. I know I’ll continue the way I am right now because it makes me happy.
I wrote that at like 1:30 last night by light of my iPod. I was listening to this song, but I don’t associate those feelings with what I take from the music:
The lesson I take from this song is to look forward. It’s not necessarily expressly saying “look forward,” but in the honesty and inner turmoil of the lyrics, I can relate it to my life and interpret it for me.
When I came back to San Diego,
Checkered lights and rain in the afternoon.
Made me miss my imagination I used to have.
That’s something else I thought about.
The universe is merciful.
How should I know after wringing out my memory,
And all that my hands send away?
Oh, rifling for a stem to find an answer I knew.
What’s my blood for?
What shows my fear?
On a meaningless fortune.
Whose light did it come in on?
Constant questioning. Wondering if the past was the better path, wondering if anything in the future could ever be as good. Then berating the inner self for foolishly looking back– what kind of good fortune can be had whilst still so unsure?
It’s not a problem I always think about, but one I think everyone has come across at some point.