Is It True? Is It Done? Is It Over?

So, like 7 minutes ago, I started writing a letter about someone. Or rather, my idea I’ve had of someone. My pen started spewing sentimental words without any pauses. But then I stopped, realizing I wasn’t putting any actual thought into what I was writing. My hand was instinctively scribbling out the thoughts that have been circling my mind for months. It suddenly hit me that I don’t really feel this way about this person anymore. It hit me that, though I haven’t seen or heard from this person in a long time, I haven’t stopped living. In fact, I’ve been happy. I’ve accomplished and conquered– with the support of my family and with my own determination– NOT with the help, advice, or even presence of this person. I put down my pen. I ripped out the letter. I took it outside and set it partially on fire. I dropped the rest into a puddle and pushed it deep into the mud with my foot.
It’s over. I owe it to myself to let this stop consuming my mind. I’ve come too far to care about something that happened so long ago. Part of the reason I was so hurt is that I lost, not only someone I was romantically interested in, but someone I considered a friend. But it’s been proven to me over and over that my friendship wasn’t, nor will it ever be valued by this person. Our friendship was terminated the moment this person decided I wasn’t worth his time. I haven’t heard from him in months, and finally I’m giving up. I can’t keep convincing myself that something someday might happen with this person. I can’t keep waiting for something that will never come. I want to grow, not be held back.
So wherever you are, whatever you’re up to, I hope things are well. I hope you’re reading this. I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at myself for playing the fool for so long. I’m mad at myself for letting you dictate my feelings and time. Thanks for the courtesy you treated me with, but I can’t erase the distance and disinterest that always met my tries to be your friend. See you in another life, maybe.

This entry was published on July 11, 2012 at 5:38 PM. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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