I’m really artistically inspired right now. I painted two things that I don’t really want to finish because I’m afraid I’ll ruin them if I add more. But maybe they’re finished and I just don’t know it?
I’m also beginning a short film. The longest one I’ve ever made is 4 minutes (that makes it sound like I’ve made a lot. I haven’t. I’ve made two. And they’re not good, nor are they really “short films”). And I want this one to be longer. I was thinking 30. But that sounds a little too lengthy– especially since I don’t have a script/plan beyond the first 3-ish minutes. I still don’t know who the characters are, what their stories are, where they’re going, and what they will learn. I kind of just want to go with it and see what happens. Usually the “non-plan” plan works best for me.
I’m very inspired by confident women in the arts industry. Adele and Brittany Howard have been on my mind lately. They are both ridiculously talented artists who don’t really care what people think of them– particularly their weight. As someone who has teetered on the edge of being overweight all my life, I’ve constantly struggled with body image. Usually, it’s fine. Usually I don’t think about it. But I recently came to the realization that every summer, I make an attempt to lose weight– not to become healthier, but to look better in the eyes of outsiders. This is an unfortunate notion, to be sure. Both Adele and Brittany are much larger women than I am, but it doesn’t matter. At all. These two women have the confidence to get up on stage, sing for a crowd of people, and be proud of what they do. I know they are still faced with judgements and rude remarks (just look at the comments of any given Adele video on YouTube). In fact, just the other day, Adele was on television and I told my brother, “She’s so awesome.” And he replied, “She’s alright for a fat girl.” I wasn’t even talking about her looks. Shouldn’t her talent be a more accurate judge of character than her appearance? Does her weight make her any less of a person? It makes me wonder how many people have said behind my back, “She’s alright. For a fat girl.”
In all honesty, much worse has been said about me. The first time I remember being called fat was in pre-school. I was probably 5 years old. The worst of it was in middle school. In the 7th grade girls locker room, someone called me a fat ass to my face. As an already self-conscious thirteen-year-old standing in a room full of other girls in my underwear, I definitely didn’t need to hear that. I’m not damaged by it or anything, though. In fact, I feel that I have quite a bit of confidence. I’m aware of my talent and my intelligence, and that makes me hold my head high.
I’m not bitter toward any of the people who’ve said bad things about me. I know rude people in general lead unhappy lives of ignorance, which is punishment enough. I don’t need to go through life hanging onto the stupid words uttered by people in my past.
Should it really matter what someone weighs or looks like? If a person is truly good, shouldn’t the external be superfluous?
Sometimes I really wish the world held my point of view.
Sorry for the somber tone of this post. It turned kind of serious out of nowhere. But thus is the wandering of my mind!
Thanks for reading,
P.S. Here’s Brittany Howard of the Alabama Shakes absolutely tearing it up. I hope it brings you as much inspiration as it brings me.