After brief reflection, I’ve acknowledged that I still have a long way to go.
Today I had a short, normal, and friendly conversation with someone I thought I might be really interested in. But I found that I wasn’t nervous. I wasn’t making a fool of myself. And then it hit me that I don’t really care about impressing this person anymore. Nothing against him at all. He’s awesome. But I think it was just a phase- just me pressuring myself to feel something for a new person. It was worth a shot, and if nothing else, I have this realization to bring out of the experience.
Also, I’m realizing that my feelings for ‘R’ are just residual waves of the old me that haven’t quite broken the shore yet. Of course I’m still not completely over him. But it’s only an echo of how I used to feel. And these emotions come back to me sometimes when I start to feel sorry for myself- when I want to feel like my life is falling into despair. And I continually have to remind myself that I’m not falling into despair. That’s another sign that I’m not finished with my metamorphosis.
As I’ve said before, this is the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life. Truly, truly. I’m loving what’s happening right now. But I haven’t fully let my eyes adjust to the new light that’s been pouring into my soul and mind.
I just love that I’m participating in my own life. I’m not a bystander anymore. I’m open and friendly and willing to show people what I do. I haven’t stopped being nervous or self-conscious. But I’ve stopped thinking about it every second of the day. Sometimes it still takes me a while to tell myself it doesn’t matter that I’m not thin as a rail. Some days I forget that there are more important things than my weight. Some days I still have to tell myself to stop being so dramatic. Only some days. Only some.
My eyes are tired now, and I have to get up at 7 tomorrow morning. But I’m feeling good. I’m feeling stronger. I’m feeling like me.