I have a few things I really need/want to talk about, and I’ve been putting off talking about them because I don’t really know how to whittle my thoughts down. So this may or may not make sense, and each subject definitely doesn’t connect. I’m just going to be honest and direct.
All connection with ‘R’ has ceased. Against my wishes. It’s upsetting to me because I think I still have feelings for him. I don’t know why. I feel like I’ve been working hard to get over him. And up until now, I’ve felt incredibly successful. But I guess I’m human after all. It can’t always be a good day.
I’m trying to learn something from all of this. Is it a lesson in humility? Have I been too self-absorbed, too attached to the material? Is it a test of strength? To see if I can carry on? Or is it merely a question of life and the way it sometimes unsatisfactorily works? That’d be the worst of all- knowing it was just one of the world’s funny little tricks; knowing it wasn’t really anything.
I know I shouldn’t feel this way. I shouldn’t feel like I’m being tested, I shouldn’t be clinging to nothing. And it really has been better lately. Maybe I’m just feeling down tonight.
There’s a website my Computer Literacy for Communication Arts teacher showed me today: www.wefeelfine.org . It was a study/experiment/exploration made by this guy Jonathan Harris who is really into human emotion and feelings. Basically what the website does is pull sentences and quotes from people’s posts all over the internet and sort them by feeling. You can click on the floating shapes and read the emotions. It’s really cool to see all of the things our fellow humans are going through. It gives me personally a sense of unity with people. People I don’t even know. I just imagine black hyperspace with shapes and colors and light zooming around. And when I click on one of the emotions, I’m snatching at something in hyperspace and diving into a new world I can only catch a small glimpse of. It’s like a mini vacation from my life. Travelling for an instant. It’s not always a good vacation, but I feel a comradery. It makes me wonder how anyone can ever dislike or hate anyone else. It’s like everyone in the world has a mask. You could be reading the post of the person you dislike the most in this world, but you wouldn’t know it. You’d just feel for them. And I think that’s the point.
My newest speech class venture is the persuasive speech. I picked gay rights as my topic. I was unsure about it at first. I thought it may be too risky or too controversial. But it’s a subject that is very important to me, and my goal in public speaking is to speak with passion and honesty. I want to make my voice heard, and I want to change minds. We had to make an Audience Analysis worksheet where we ask questions related to our topic and then give them to our classmates. I was disgusted and furious with some of the answers I received.
On the question “People who are gay should have fewer rights than people who are not,” a lot of people circled “agree”.
On the question “All human beings, regardless of race, color, gender, religion, and sexual orientation, should receive equal rights and fair treatment,” a lot of people circled “disagree”
And on the question “Which statement best reflects your opinion?” a lot of people circled answer choice B: “I dislike gay people and don’t really agree with their fight for rights.”
I got really angry reading their responses, but then I told myself to calm down. This is exactly why I chose gay rights as my topic. I want to change how people see. How is forbidding gay people to marry any different from forbidding black and white children to go to school together? How is it any different from a woman’s right to receive the same pay as a man doing the same job? Shouldn’t every single person in this world deserve the same rights as everyone else? I need to work on not getting so worked up and speaking in a calm, rational way that will still get people to understand. Even though what I really want to do is shake people by the shoulders and cry.
I want to end on a good note. So lastly, I want to talk about the concert I went to on Saturday. I saw Beirut, one of my favorite bands. I remember first listening to them in 8th grade, and wondering how anyone in the world could ever listen to anything else. They really changed my life, and listening to their island-y/beach-y/French-y/Spanish-y music would take me away to another place when I was upset. Their music is so lovely and sunny and warm, I love to listen to them on cold, crisp winter days. I enjoy the contrast and the light they make me see in the winter months when it sometimes gets hard to be happy. It was such a treat to see them play. They were wonderful, and not one note was out of tune. They had fewer members present than I expected- a bass player (who rocked an upright most of the time, yay!), a drummer (who played on a kit the entire time, no bongos or any exotic percussion. But I find I didn’t really mind. The kit made for a lively show), an accordion player (who uses an ENORMOUS accordion with a million keys and buttons, I don’t know how he does it), a tuba/trombone player (who, on the final song, played the most kick ass tuba solo I will ever hear), a trumpet/french horn player/backup singer (who was an incredible musician. I don’t know how anyone can have that kind of lung capacity to jam on the trumpet for so long without a break), and of course, the frontman Zach Condon, trumpet player, ukulele player, and singer extraordinaire. He was perfect. I love his voice, and he inspires me to want to learn the trumpet. I’ve never heard the trumpet sound so beautiful and sweet as when he plays. It was a magical experience that has left me feeling more complete.
And that’s all, folks. I’m sorry for my lack of scheduled writing, and I hope this nonsense didn’t bore you to tears. I just wanted to get everything off of my chest. You can look forward to a more cohesive and concrete post next time. I’ve got something brewing in my brain.
Thanks for the support and patience,